You wanna know what I think? I think that those who claim that Paranormal Activity isn't scary at all are just pretending to be tough, showing-off that some creepy indie film didn't scare them in the slightest bit. It is scary! But if you're tougher, as in for real, the effect is just overnight. You still think about it a bit in the morning though. And make these left-and-right head shaking movements accompanied by a little tongue clicking. (Just like saying "Oh my G, that was one helluva movie and it scared the demons out of me.")

I know, I'm talking about myself.

Pero srsly, it is creepy. And it sinks in. This is the first movie that actually had this effect on me. I normally laugh at movies with supernatural themes. But this one, nah.

So, I belong to the bandwagon now.

A henna, that is.

it was a good night. a time where all the rantings about life was expressed. it was a good therapy for us all. and then after the conversations, i realized we were all victims of love. at some point in our lives we have succumb to loving that one person who made us feel alive , got hurt in the process and then they moved on, they were able to, i was able to before and i will be able to do it now.

i actually feel better now, at least now. i would not know about tomorrow, the pain might come again. when i am reminded of him, the things we used to do, the things we used to share, the things we used to say, the places we go to. but that is  a part of it. i have to pick up the pieces or no one else will. i will have to decide to move on, get a life, start from scratch, mend myself. this is going to be very difficult but i know it is possible.

tonight is that night. and although it may seem as difficult as crossing the ganges river. i will do this. i can do this. i am stronger than this. i am better than this. the decisions i  have made lately are but momentary lapses of judgement, though i do not regret them,, they made me realize something. when u hit the bottom, there is no other way but up. 

i love him, love him just the way he is, no buts , no ifs. and  i will always do. but i have to get on with my life because the world will not stop revolving just to pry on my pathetic private life. there are a million people in this planet and some are going through so much worse than this, i should be thanksful. there is so mcuh more to do. my identity should not be attached with him. my happines should not be because of his existence. my voice should be back. my zest for life whould be reborn.

i am done wallowing on my own sad emotions. yet. i will still love the rain. the grey sky. the sad sound of birds humming in the meadow.  the lonely boat in the river. the falling of brown leaves. the breeze of summer. the silence of the night. the sorrow of poets. the journals of my past.the  tragic love stories. the melacholic music.

and yes. i was looking for a miracle. i found it. in an unlikely time and place.

to be continued..

i need a miracle.

yet.

i do not even believe in miracles.

Habang nakapila ako sa pila ng tricycle pauwi, naisip ko na lang bigla na gumawa ng inventory ng mga naging lalaki sa buhay ko mula nung puppy love stage hanggang sa kasalukuyan. Alam kong hindi 'to masaya basahin dahil puro kalandian lang 'to.

Note: Hindi pala included ang crushes dahil mahirap tandaan yung mga forgettable.

1. Edmar T.
Status: Ewan
Technically, eto yung first boyfriend ko. Kaso, bata pa ko nito, grade 6. Eto yung mga panahon na hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nagugustuhan ang isang lalaki. Hindi ko talaga kinoconsider na ex-boylalu ang palakang ito kasi wala naman talagang thing.

2. Aldrich P.
Status: Boyfriend
Pero under pa rin ng puppy love. Eengot-engot pa ako ng mga panahong ito, eh. Eto yung stage kung kelan ako natutong maging emo-kunware. Grade 6 din ako nito. Nag-break din kami pagkatapos ng ilang weeks at naalala ko umiyak pa ako nun in public. Grabe.

3. Giorgio M.
Status: Ewan
Di ko talaga alam. Malandi pa sakin 'tong unggoy na 'to eh. Naalala ko nung ipagpalit niya ako kay Jeniffer.

4. Mark U.
Status: Boyfriend
Eto yung nakakatawa kong ex-boylalu na sobrang posero grabe grabe grabe. Posero talaga! Favorite niya ang Good Charlotte at Slip Knot noon. Mali-mali pa lyrics niya kapag kinakanta niya yung mga songs. Nagde-date kami sa RFC, yung sosyaling mall dito sa Las Piñas na minsan nang ni-raid dahil mejo DVD-haven siya. Makapal mag-pulbo etong si Mark. Sobrang pangit naman. Di ko nga ulit maintindihan kung bakit ko to naging boylalu. 1st year high school na ako nito. Nakipag-break ako sa kanya sa computer shop, binagsak ko lang yung break-up letter ko sa computer desk niya at may walk out drama pa. Nakakatuwang alalahanin.

5. Arjan B.
Status: First real boyfriend
Si Arjan talaga ang first real boylalu ko. Malapit na din kami mag-two years nung naghiwalay kami. 10 pa ang anniversary date namin. Sobrang illegal talaga ang kalandian ko noon kaya ako ang nagpupunta sa bahay niya sa Valley 2, Parañaque. Sta. Rosa pa ang street ng bahay nila. 5 years ang tanda niya sa akin. Yung kapatid niyang ka-edaran ko, sobrang gwapo. Anyway, masaya naman kami noon. Na-meet ko family niya, yung mga kapatid niyang mga bata, pati mga katulong na rin. Sa kanya ko natutunan yung Piattos na inuulam sa kanin na hanggang ngayon ginagawa ko pa rin. Tabachoy kasi 'tong si Arjan. Lakas kumain tsaka may mga deadly vices. 2nd year high school ako nito. Saksakan talaga ako ng kalandian.

6. HSH
Status: Ka-flirt
Eto yung lalakeng di naman nagseseryoso kapag hindi hot yung babae. Pero willing naman makipag-make-out and everything. Ang rude sa text pero parang bata makipag-usap in person. Sobrang galing niya mag-O2jam, bilis ng daliri. Tangkad pa at singkit, mga tipo kong lalaki. Pero ayun, as usual.

7. Marco G.
Status: 2nd real boylalu
Eto yung so far pinaka-real. At pinaka-masakit.

8. Joshua A.
Status: Ka-flirt
Eto yung latest kong boylalu na ayaw naman akong sagutin kaya sinukuan ko na. Ang hot ng katawan, ka-R.O. ko to noon eh. Crush ko na siya nung may R.O. pa kami hanggang sa nakakasabay ko sa FX at kung saan-saan pa. Bata pa to si Josh, kelangang ma-enlighten ng sobra-sobra.

Konti yang 8. May mga naging ultimate crushes pa kasi ako tulad ni Paulo N. May mga lalaking di ko na talaga sinama dahil nga sabi ko, walang thing.

Nakakatawa.

i hate you.

but 

i hate myself more.

if i have to fool myself everyday just to keep you.. then i will.

ill bleed. ill give. ill love. ill stay. ill persevere. ill hurt.

till 

there is nothing more..

and then , it'll stop. i am hoping , life will not.

...for the long hiatus. Haha! I had a lot of things to do in the past few weeks. Or months. Haha!

Latest is, we're already exclusively dating. Hahaha. So fuck that shit. =))

I love my life. Haha.